Have you ever been in a moment where time paces right past you, like what the road looks like when you’re speeding on the highway? All along though you’re completely and utterly still, like someone froze you in water?
Yeah. That moment.
It was one of those moments for me; last night, time was speeding right before my eyes and I was frozen. Of course, time did unfreeze for me because here I am on the stiff, pale white hospital bed that has probably been used by dozens and dozens of people, whose life was only but a fifty–fifty chance.
Mine could have been, but it wasn’t. Of course not, because after all I am the perfect child -I deserve to live. At least, that’s what I keep over hearing people say to my parents. What pain they must be in and its all my fault.
My Name? It’s Riley, and I live in a world where my words should have never been left unspoken.
This all occurred last night when my older brother, Alex, who was now a senior, wanted to go to a party which was not weird or out of the ordinary at all -it was typical…
“Riley! There you are!” Alex’s voice was in alarm.
I turned around and set my pencil down. As always, I was doing some homework or reading a good book. Alex was standing their with presence, with his brown, ashy hair swooshed to side like most of his friends do. He has hazel eyes, just like me. In fact, when we were little, we were mistaken for twins. We are only 2 years apart, so it wasn’t that far fetched.
“Well, I am always here. You should know that.”
He slightly smiled, “I know, I know always being the over achiever-that’s my sis!”
“Har, Har, Har, you are hilarious. Whatcha need?”
His face had guilt written all over it, “Well…I was wondering if-“
I already thought of what he was going to say.“ I am not pretending to be mom again! I almost got caught last time! You are going to have to face your own problems and suffer the consequences!” I folded my arms with force.
He chuckled, “No! No! I wasn’t about to ask you that! I was asking if maybe you would come to this party with me? After all, I am your favorite brother!”
I rolled my eyes, “You’re my only brother, dufus! What party?”
He waved his arm back, “You know, the usual, nothing really.”
“Then why do I have to go?” My voice was curious as I lifted my eyebrow. With Alex - it’s rarely the usual.
He sighed, “ Because, Mom and Dad said I can’t go unless you go because they don’t believe me when I say I will be fine.”
“So what your saying is you’re going to this party where everyone will be drinking and drunk -possibly much worse - and you’re asking your younger sister to go with you? How sweet of you.” I gave him a smirk.
“You can handle it! It’s not like you haven’t seen worse and just think, you would be doing me a favor! I would have to owe you.” His face was exaggerated with plead. He was desperate, but I never really knew why.
I looked away for a moment and then back at him with my hands on my hips, “Ok, I will go!” I always had such a hard time saying no to my brother. I suppose it was one of the weaknesses I carried.
Alex came over and hugged me. “Thanks! I love you and you are the greatest sister in the world! Be ready in thirty minutes, k?”
He dashed out of the room before I could even say, “Ok.”
There was something about my brother that I admired; no one could really understand why though, not even me, but there was just something that made me want to do whatever he wanted. It didn’t seem so bad then. It just seemed like I was being a good sister.
I would had even said yes if he wanted me to pretend to be our mom again because I wanted him to not get into trouble-again. In way, I guess I always felt sorry for him; I was a straight A student and he was lucky if he made a C. My parents were so proud of me and even though Alex was great at almost any sport, he never seemed to be getting my parent’s approval. I wanted him
to become someone people would look up to-for people to understand him like I did. I wanted him to get the approval too. Alex was the kind of brother you just couldn’t ask for. Since everyone thought down upon him, I wanted to be the one that didn’t; the one that made him happy. So doing those things was the only thing I could think of.
I stepped into his Jeep and put my seat belt on. Though Alex may have passed the drivers test, he was not exactly known for putting on the brakes soon enough. It was a constant chocking as if it were a game to see who got jerked the most, but it was better then shooting out the window. The smell of his car had a weird aroma to it; it was a mix of his cologne, food, and sweat after he played a game. Some girls may have found it disturbing, but I just found it to be “just Alex”. However, the cologne could lighten up a bit.
The clock had let me know I was waiting more than thirty minutes; he usually was hurrying me out the door. I looked at the door to our garage, waiting for him to run out to the car.
I stared the door down until I saw the heavy door swing open. “Finally!” I thought.
As he opened the door to the driver’s seat, I eased up.
Turning the car on, he smiled, “ You ready?”
“Yup! But um…how long do you like staying at these…um events?” I didn’t want to sound like I was complaining.
He gave me an are-you-serious face. “It’s a party Riley. What do you expect?”
“Oh, no I don’t mind exactly-I know how long they usually last. I just needed to know how long I would be staying up tonight-to finish reading.”
He patted my shoulder. “Sis, I think it’s time you embrace your teenage years; you only have so many! Live a little!”
“I guess.” I sighed.
The ironic thing about the saying “live a little” was that when people actually used that method in their lives, they actually only ended up living a little bit of time. If I said that to Alex though, he might have just gone into the whole “You read too much Riley!” and then laughed. I think he could have really excelled in school if he actually used that huge brain he had. But no, as soon as someone labeled him as the “dumb jock” he took that and wrote himself off as the dumb guy who is awesome at only sports. I beg to differ though-I really do.
The party was always at some apartment or condo; never owned by someone’s parents though. Sometimes they were stolen-as in while the family was out of town the seniors decided to raid it for the night. It was not surprising when the police showed up and ended the party sooner. I secretly loved that; the sooner the ending the sooner I was home, safe and sound. I wouldn’t be a good sister if I just complained to Alex though. Instead, I just preferred to leave things unspoken; it was always better that way.
Alex parked his car on the side of the street; it was always a good block away from the house because if the police happened to show up, he wouldn’t get caught. Like I said, he was smart.
I put my jacket on and hopped out, “Hey, Alex?”
He paused, walking, and turned around, “Yeah?” He was in a hurry to get inside.
“I-um…nothing. Just do you have your cell phone?” I sighed frustrated that I couldn’t really ask him what I wanted to ask.
He smiled and lifted a device out of his pocket, “Yes, as always. Don’t worry Riley.” He came and patted me on the back. Somehow that was his way of reassuring me.
I could have told him; I could have told him not to get drunk or to not try anything new. I could have, but I didn’t. That’s the thing about life-you cant go back to a moment in time. Time is always moving forward-sometimes right before your eyes.
I ungracefully clunked into the front door; it was a nice house and it was a shame the seniors got a hold of it. I kind of had a moment of sorrow for the poor family that would have to come back to a reckless and gross building they once called home. Then again, obtuse people who thought in this generation it was okay to leave the doors unlocked had it coming for them anyways.
The room in the back seemed to be the center of the party; people were dancing with plastic red cups in their hands and there were people lying on the couch smoking God only knows what. Some guys were banging their heads on the tables and some of them were trying to find a hook up for the night. The smell was a vomiting sweet smell; full of ashy smoke and the smell of alcohol; the kind of smell that made your nose tingle and cringe. It made me gag but I knew if I threw up it would only draw attention to me. I could feel the spit plastering my mouth, getting ready to regurgitate the last meal I had that day.
I quickly ran to the bathroom, which I could see at a near glance. I ran and slammed the door and closed my eyes leaning against the wall. I slowly slid down until my hands were cupping my
knees. “Come on Riley just suck it up-you just got here! You have done this a million times! Just swallow and go get a drink or something. A regular drink.” I breathed, got up and looked into the squeaky clean mirror. “Just go,” I demanded myself. The smell was no longer the horrific experience I had just a moment ago ,but instead a nice vanilla scent. It cleared my nose which, was good because I might have just vomited all over my blouse.
I gingerly turned the doorknob and stepped my foot out. No one was looking of course, they were all caught up in their own very confused worlds. Thinking back now, I suppose it was providential that no eyes were on me. I would rather be invisible than the center of attention any day.
At these parties I usually didn’t ever see my brother. Most of the time, it was by chance that I saw him heading for the car. If I wasn’t so observant I might have been one of those kids you see posted at one of the local Wall-Marts that said “Have You Seen Me?”. I’m not kidding. Sometimes I would see him vaguely through the thick air or going behind closed doors; only God knows what exactly but I wasn’t that sheltered.
I looked around and saw a small black bar that was curved around a big window. My spit was coming up again. The stench was still there but more faint because I had gotten, thankfully, use to it. I squeezed myself through a couple stocky guys and sat in a chair that was by the bar.
“Can I get you something sweetheart?” the scratchy, slurred voice asked.
I jumped being startled that someone noticed me, “Um-what?”
The slurred voice only indicated to me that he was almost legally intoxicated, but when I looked at him I saw what might seem like a good kid at school; brushed hair, collar , and khaki pants. “ I said…can I get you something?” He was leaning against the bar now clearly for support.
My face was defiantly red by then because I always got nervous in these types of scenarios, “I-uh, do you have Coke?”
He made a suspicious smile, “Yes we have that.” He slowly crept down and got a brown paper bag from a basket . “How much?”
I raised an eyebrow, “I don’t know, a can?”
He laughed, “We didn’t get the cans, but I can get a small bag if you want.” He opened the bag and lifted a big box that looked to be holding what my mom would think was baking soda.
My eyes widened, “Um! No! No, I um changed my mind…I am not, um, in the mood.”
He looked at me in a funny way and then it seemed as if something clicked inside that messed up brain of his, “Ah…test tomorrow.”
“Yes.” I quickly walked away without looking back. I wanted to slap myself for being so naïve to believe they actually cared about getting soft drinks at a party. I had not been to these parties in a while so I guess I could use the lame excuse that I was out of touch, but I knew better than to think he was actually going to give me a Coke. I was out of it. Clearly.
I quickly put my hood over my head and walked with my head down the narrow hall, ready to go wait in Alex’s car. The whole party was freaking me out. I was no longer numb to these trials but rather was feeling like this is was a whole, new experience for me. Experience is the name we give out mistakes.
Without warning a couple of guys ran past me and nudged me into the wall, I looked up to see what their problem was.
“The police are coming!” One screamed.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked outside the window; red and blue vibrant lights were beginning to appear in the picture of the night. Everyone were talking to each other in alarming hushed tones; most of them being muffled because I wasn’t close enough to hear. All I could see were people starting to get their keys out and bolt out the door as if their life depended on it.
I panicked. I needed to find Alex right then, and I had no idea where he could be because I hadn’t seen him at all; it was only the beginning of the party. As people were racing past me, I tried to identify my brother’s face in the mad, rushing mob. My eyes were going everywhere, and I felt my pulse going high. I wanted to be home, and I wanted to be away from all of that.
I felt a pull on my arm. It was Alex.
I sighed loudly and put my hand on my chest, “Oh thank goodness! I was starting to have a nervous break-down!”
His eyes had dark, grey circles under them and his cheeks were pasty white. He had been doing what I should have told him not to do. He pulled me again to follow him. He was conscious enough to know it was me and to keep his mouth closed because when he was drunk he swore and cursed like a sailor. I didn’t refuse and allowed him to drag me out of the house.
It was dark and hard to see things but I could tell we weren’t going in the direction of his car. He couldn’t drive if he was drunk but I was sixteen and I had my license. I was becoming confused about what he was doing. We stopped at a Hummer and he opened the door and pushed me in. I was shoved between two other girls who were practically naked. The smell was not even something I wanted to have memory of; repulsive would be a good word.
I was trying to figure out what was happening; it was all happening so fast I could hardly think. Alex was in shotgun - I knew that. Some other senior, who was clearly not there-in-the- head, turned on the car. I needed to tell Alex to get out. I needed to drag him to his car and have me drive.
I looked around the car, only seeing strangers who were almost dead-to-the-world and were drooling all over the car. I couldn’t move – it was like my feet were glued to the floor. The car abruptly jerked and I looked up, with my eyes opened wide.. Before I could even gasp, the driver floored it and the car jerked me back into my seat. My back throbbed with pain and it was tingling. My head started to be overthrown by a hammering headache and my face began to feel like it was sinking down my bones. My heart was pounding heavy on my chest as if someone was punching it over and over again. It was all beginning to be more than I could take.
The world was spinning all around and I could hardly catch a glimpse of what was even outside the car; it was all just a big blur. A big blur of unwanted darkness and little flashes of streetlights. I clenched onto my seatbelt making it go so tight that it was cutting off my circulation. I didn’t know what to do or what would happen. All I could think of at that moment was to tell myself to breathe.
I kept breathing and breathing, trying to focus only on that until I let myself look outside the left window. Before my brain could even register quite what was happening, a huge blinding light was attacking my sight, and before I could even get my swollen lungs to scream-
Freeze.
Predictable isn’t? Happens in all the movies, right? You saw this coming and I know you did because it was the predictable future. Well, it wasn’t for me. It’s only predictable when its not happening to you.
In that moment -The moment where I felt frozen while everything was going full speed. It was the moment regret started to taunt me. All the questions started racing to my brain- the things I should have said or done. What was I thinking? Why didn’t I say anything?
All the unspoken words that should have been…spoken. I only now, sit on this hard bed now, living and breathing, as always, thinking of what had happened, staring the wall down and begging for time to come back to me; to maybe just rewind this one time and let me say something. I would do anything to go back and drag my brother out or tell him to not do anything.
Maybe he would have listened! Maybe we would be home now watching a good movie or goofing off with each other. Maybe then, the person who sat in shotgun would be alive. It was only a maybe, but it would have been worth the try! Now I would never know. I would do anything to hear that laugh- the one thing that was so full of life!
For the next weeks, I will be getting the “Its not your fault sweetie.”; “You know he is in a better place.”, “We all know you couldn’t have done anything about it.”, and my favorite “I understand how you feel.” Well that’s doesn’t give me back my brother, does it!? That wont make me feel any less responsible for what happened. So what if I was the lucky survivor? So what if I was the good child who supposedly did the right things? That doesn’t change the fact that a part of my life is gone. Forever.
